Dear Sarah: Compassionate Guidance from a Death Doula
By Dr. Sarah Kerr, PhD. Death Doula, The Centre for Sacred Deathcare
“My mom wasn’t a great parent, and now that she [has] died, my grief is confusing.”
Hello Friends;
Welcome to Dear Sarah, an advice column where I answer your questions about how to meet mortality well.
As a Death Doula, I’ve helped hundreds of people to face their own death, support a dying loved one, or heal through grief and loss. I know how hard these experiences can be, and how hard they can be to talk about. This column is a place to hold meaningful conversations about death, and to inspire people to see it as an important and natural part of life.
I look forward to hearing from you, and to helping you meet death and loss with grace and confidence.
With much love, Sarah
Dear Sarah: My mom died recently. She had a long life, and we knew it was coming, but it’s still hard. I’m struggling to figure out how I feel, because my relationship with my mother was so challenging. She was emotionally abusive when I was a child, and we were estranged for many years when I was in my 20s. Over the years, I managed to make some peace with her, and our relationship improved quite a bit, but it was always pretty strained. My memories of my mother are very complicated, and a lot of them are painful. I don’t know how to grieve. Why does it feel so confusing?
–Grieving and Confused
Dear Grieving and Confused: When a relationship was complicated in life, it can also be complicated in death.
I’m glad to hear that, as an adult, you have been able to make some peace with your mother and her behavior. I’m guessing that the mature version of you realized that your mother struggled with her own issues, and that she did the best she could.
Even though the wise adult in you has been able to accept your mother for who she was, there is also a child in you, and that child isn’t capable of holding the wise adult’s perspective. Even as an adult, while your mother was alive, that child in you still hoped that she would acknowledge how badly she treated you, apologize, and change her behavior.
The child you hoped that, one day, your mother would finally become the mother you needed her to be.
While your mother was alive, there was a possibility that she would change. When your mother died, that shred of hope—as unrealistic as it was—also died.
In your situation, there are two layers of grief. The first layer is the grief of your mother’s death. The second layer is the grief that you didn’t get the parent you needed and now it’s certain that you never will.
I encourage you to honour both layers of your grief. Allow yourself to feel all of the difficult and complicated emotions that are coming up. Grieve your mother’s death, and grieve the mother-daughter relationship that you never got to have.
With much love, Sarah MSN
Dr Sarah Kerr, PhD teaches Death Doulas and others to meet mortality in a soul-based way. Learn more, and download free guides at www.sacreddeathcare.com. Do you have a question about death or loss? Please visit www.dearsarah.com and let me know what you’re struggling with. I personally read each submission, and if I choose yours, I’ll answer as fully and thoughtfully as I can. Thank you in advance for sharing your important story.
