Page 23 - MSN_393_FebruaryMarch

FEBRUARY | MARCH 2023 • MONTANA SENIOR NEWS
Life Hacks
from Phyllis
Diller
BY ELIZABETH YOUNGMAN-WESTPHAL
(50PlusWire) With each passing decade, I
am more and more inclined to disregard the
“Hints from Heloise” columns.
As the years fade, I often recall my dogged
dedication to her columns. I read “Hints
from Heloise” because, like me, she was
an Air Force officer’s wife. Who better to
emulate than a successful military wife? Or
so I thought when I was a young, naïve bride.
It is only now I see the error of my ways.
If I could, I would change the whole course of
my life. Had I not followed Heloise’s advice
and instead listened to the sage instruction
offered by Phyllis Diller, certainly my life
would have turned out differently.
Phyllis should be praised for her insight.
She knew the true secret to housework. She
proclaimed, “Cleaning your house while
your children are still growing is like shov-
eling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
What awareness!
Oh, silly me. I loyally followed Heloise’s
syndicated column everywhere we were
transferred. I believed her capable and, there-
fore, shadowed her guidance. It was my
cock-eyed devotion to Heloise I now regret.
Stories live here.
We’ve partnered with Modulist to publish more
reader-submitted content including:
Business Announcements, Classifieds, Obituaries, and
Milestones including Births, Engagements, Birthdays,
Anniversaries, Weddings, and more.
Visit montanaseniornews.modulist.news to sign up and place your listing.
While Heloise knew how to remove red wine stains
from shag carpet after a rousing party, Phyllis’s
ability to knock back a drink before it could hit the
rug is now the skill I salute. 50PlusWire / © Lisa S.,
Shutterstock.com.
For certain, Heloise knew how to econ-
omize. She made me believe family meal
planning was an art form worthy of pursuit.
Had I listened to Ms. Diller all those years
ago, I would have learned how to avoid kitchen
woes. She removed the pressure of having to
host holiday gatherings: “My cooking was
so bad, my kids thought Thanksgiving was
to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”
On the one hand, Heloise knew how to
remove her children’s accidental stains, but
Phyllis knew how to remove stains before
they happened. She encouraged us to send
our kids to eat at the neighbor’s house.
While Heloise knew how to remove
red wine stains from shag carpet after a
rousing party, Phyllis’s ability to knock
back a drink before it could hit the rug is
now the skill I salute.
Heloise’s column covered answers to
every possible situation, from gardening to
child rearing, personal grooming, cooking,
HOME & LIFESTYLE 23
and household management. She even
offered marital advice, like “never go to
bed mad.”
But what I didn’t know then, and were I
to do it all over again, Phyllis Diller would
be my go-to-gal for marital advice. She
recommended, “Never go to bed mad. Stay
up and fight.”
And looking back, that seems like a
better way to solve discord.
When it came to housework, Phyllis was
a genius.
“Housework can kill you, so why take
the chance?” She boasted 18 years of ironing
buried in the back yard, admitting the only
time she enjoyed ironing was when she acci-
dentally put gin in her steam iron. Who knew?
As I ponder the time wasted cleaning
the house, making the beds, dusting the
furniture, going to the grocery store, bath-
ing dirty kids—followed the next day by
re-cleaning the house, re-making the beds,
re-dusting, yada, yada, yada, only to start it
all over again and again every next day—I
wonder what it is I might have used this
valuable time to do had I not been plagued
by these repetitive chores.
At this age when “getting out of bed in
the morning is becoming a career move,” I
find I rely more and more on Phyllis’ wis-
dom for the future: “I want my children to
have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then
I want to move in with them.” MSN
Elizabeth Youngman-Westphal can be reached at eyoung-
[email protected].