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PAGE 14 MODErN sENIOr MONTANA SENIOR NEWS • APRIL / MAY 2021
MONstErs | CONtINUED FrOM PAGE 13 when voice messages have to jump between PUNS FOR THE SLIGHTLY
cell towers. A phone with a name that
all other planets in all the galaxies in the sounds like Samantha just finished the Star HIGHER IQ
universe times 10. Spangled Banner at a Broncos game, gets Submitted by Jule Fink/Brantely
Lenny’s phone was just nominated for decent ratings for voice transmission, but Those who jump off a bridge in Paris
the Nobel Peace Prize. Monday, he bought still is not great. are in Seine.
a new version of his smart phone because So, how can these devices play Wagner’s A man’s home is his castle, in a manor
his previous version ran off with Minnie, entire Ring of the Nibelung cycle with per- of speaking.
his wife. fect diction, in English, German, French, Dijon vu—the same mustard as before.
Minnie imagined a brighter future with Spanish, Japanese, Russian, Pig Latin, and Shotgun wedding—A case of wife or
the phone than with Lenny. Last he heard, Gansta Rap, but can’t replicate a reasonably death.
the phone changed its identity and is sip- clear human voice? A man needs a mistress just to break
ping piña coladas with Minnie on a beach Still, there’s a bright side to nearly the monogamy.
near Cancun. He now tells me his new cell everything. These overpriced hunks of A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
phone is eyeing his neighbor’s wife. modern technology will be obsolete in about Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a
These technological marvels are effi- 45 minutes. You’ll have to shell out another form of floor play.
cient, versatile, and better looking than grand to get another phone that can do Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Brad Pitt. But as phones, they suck. exponentially more neat stuff, except you’ll Condoms should be used on every
They’re called “smart phones.” No still sound like Darth Vader singing the conceivable occasion.
doubt, they’re brilliant devices. But they’re Chipmunks to the folks you call. Reading while sunbathing makes you
dumb phones. Dumb as a dog in a rain storm Unfortunately, you can’t just throw an well red.
even though they can tell you when it’s old smart phone away. Landfills won’t take When two egotists meet, it’s an I for
going to rain 12 years in advance. But when them. They ingest all the other garbage and an I.
they issue advance warning of a rainstorm, belch it out in one, great cloud of toxic mist A bicycle can’t stand on its own because
it comes through as, “trll b fnndx shlrm that covers your town, denudes all the elm it is two tired.
burly, voldlbygf.” trees, and kills most of the lilac bushes. In democracy your vote counts. In
I won’t mention brand names because I Want to be responsible for that? feudalism your count votes.
may have to scrape up half a billion dollars Furthermore, they retain all your con- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a
when the company named after a fruit tact information. They know where you wooden leg but broke it off.
sues me for defamation of character, even are, where you’ve been, and where you’re A chicken crossing the road is poultry
though cell phones have neither character going. They’re capable of hot-wiring every in motion.
nor personality. car Ford ever made and showing up in your If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get
Lenny’s cell phone has a name that driveway. Over and over and over again. repossessed.
includes “i” and ends with “Phone,” but Stephen King loves these things. MsN With her marriage she got a new name
phones with other names also mess up and a dress.
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