Advertisement

Dear Sarah: Mom’s Belongings

Some articles contain affiliate links, earning us commissions on items purchased through them. There is no additional cost to you.
Stacks of boxes

Compassionate Guidance from a Death Doula

Hello Friends;

Welcome to Dear Sarah, an advice column where I answer your questions about meeting mortality.

As a Death Doula, I’ve helped hundreds of people to face their own death, support a dying loved one, or heal through grief and loss. I know how hard these experiences can be, and how hard they can be to talk about. This column is a place to hold meaningful conversations about death, and to inspire people to see it as an important and natural part of life.

I look forward to hearing from you, and to helping you meet death and loss with grace and confidence.

With much love, Sarah

By Dr. Sarah Kerr, PhD, Death Doula, The Centre for Sacred Deathcare

How do we fairly divide my mom’s belongings after her death?

Dear Sarah: My mom died recently and now it’s time to divide up her belongings among the siblings. I don’t know where to start when it comes to distributing things fairly. We’ve never had a plan for this, and some of my mom’s things are very valuable, either financially or sentimentally. The five of us have a fairly good relationship, but there are a few things that everyone wants, and it could get messy very quickly. The last thing I want is a fight. What’s the best way to do this?

-Mourning Mediator

Dear Mourning Mediator,

The stress of sorting through a parent’s belongings can add stress to an already stressful time. You’re grieving, and the last thing you want in this moment is to be arguing with your family over who gets what.

So how do you stay regulated, connected, and grounded in love and togetherness? How do you bring more order and meaning to the experience?

I’ll share what we did in my family when my grandmother died. This worked well for us, and maybe it will work for you too.

First, we took a moment to remember why we were there: as a family, we were saying goodbye to the last of our Nana’s physical presence, her house and her belongings. We were honoring her life and moving her legacy out to all of us.

This framing gave significance to the experience. We understood that what we were doing mattered beyond the division of material assets, and this kept us on good behavior.

Next, we walked through each room of the house together, and looked at everything. If one person wanted an item, they took it. If more than one person wanted something, we took that object and moved it into one specific, empty room we had cleared out, to be revisited later.

Instead of negotiating and bickering while we walked through the house, we spent our time telling stories, sharing memories, laughing, and bonding, knowing that any items we desired would be waiting for us later in our designated room.

At the end, we gathered in the room that held the beautiful things more than one person wanted. We decided on an order. In our family, we went from oldest to youngest, but you can choose any order that your family agrees on (or draw straws). The first person chose one item they wanted. The second person chose another. We continued down the line, and then started again with the first.

By following this system, we again removed the messiness of negotiation or debate from the experience. In the end, everything was divided, and it felt fair.

Perhaps this system will work for your family.

With much love, Sarah MSN


Dr Sarah Kerr, PhD teaches Death Doulas and others to meet mortality in a soul-based way. Learn more, and download free guides at www.sacreddeathcare.com. Do you have a question about death or loss? Please visit www.dearsarah.com and let me know what you’re struggling with. I personally read each submission, and if I choose yours, I’ll answer as fully and thoughtfully as I can. Thank you in advance for sharing your important story.

Check out these great articles

Outsmart Scammers

5 Tips to Outsmart Scammers

(StatePoint) Scammers don’t take days off. From phishing emails to package theft, fraudsters and scammers can cost you money. Fortunately, you can stay one step

Read More »

Subscribe to the Montana Senior News

Sign up to recieve the Montana Senior News at home for just $15 per year.